I Didn't Say Stop: The Science of Survival Responses

I didn't say stop.

And now I understand why.

The biology of survival... reframing my response to sexual assault.

My last post explored how we define ourselves, the labels we choose, and their impact on our lives. As a teacher, I saw firsthand how the self-fulfilling prophecy of labelling affected children. Now, as I use my website's "about me" section for writing inspiration, I've been avoiding one particular bullet point: "In my early 20s I was raped..."

What should I say?

Is it better to ignore it?

What might people think?

Have I ever truly made sense of it myself?

Do I need to?

May it do others good?

Might it piss people off?

Or the age-old adage: people won't care as much as I think they will!

But then a few weekends ago, at a workshop, I heard this brilliant analogy about the brain. With that, instantly, my rape experience became clear.

When something triggers our internal alarms, our brain and body start reacting before we're even aware. Our nervous system prepares us for quick action by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline to either fight back (fight) or escape ASAP (flight).

But what about ‘freeze’? The freeze response helps us stay immobile, so we can hide or "play dead" until the danger passes. It gives us time to process the situation, and disconnecting from what's happening around us can protect us from the emotional impacts, at least in the moment.

This understanding doesn't just explain my personal experience - it transforms how I work with clients. When someone is stuck in self-blame or questioning their reactions to past traumas, I can share how our bodies have ancient wisdom that takes over in moments of extreme stress. This isn't just theory - it's biology protecting us.

As a coach, I've noticed how unresolved trauma often shows up as self-doubt, perfectionism, or difficulty trusting one's instincts. Understanding the science behind trauma responses helps my clients move from "What's wrong with me?" to "How can I support my healing?"

And it is so important to remember, as Gabor Maté wisely notes, 'there is no hierarchy in trauma.'  Every person's experience is valid, regardless of perceived severity.

I consider myself a lucky one, because my experience didn't affect my life significantly long-term. It could be because I got counselling by an amazing therapist via Cardiff University soon after the incident. Or it could be because I froze? But similarly to my introduction, maybe part of me chose where to put my attention. I didn't go off men. Although I did experience panic attacks and very low mood in the six months following the incident, I made it through the other end. I learned a lot from the ‘experience’ and moved on.

What I've learned, both personally and professionally, is that healing isn't linear. Some survivors carry deep scars, while others process their trauma differently. Neither experience invalidates the other. What matters is finding your path forward.

For anyone who has experienced sexual assault:

• Your body's response, whether fight, flight, or freeze, was not a choice - it was survival

• Seeking help isn't weakness - it's self-care

• Your journey is yours alone - there's no "right" way to process trauma

  
  

For those supporting someone after sexual assault:

• Listen without judgment

• Respect their pace of processing

• Understand that everyone's response is unique

• Help them connect with professional support if they're ready

As a life coach, this experience has taught me the importance of creating safe spaces where clients can explore their full stories. Sometimes our deepest wounds become our greatest sources of understanding - both of ourselves and others.