Dead Plants and Other Truths About Me

Making a commitment to write an article once a week was one thing, but knowing what to say is quite another.

I thought I would use the ‘about me’ bullet points on my website as a guideline. But I’m finding that living authentically is different to speaking outwardly authentically and as such, expanding on the bullet points is harder than you (I!) think. It took me a long while, and with help from my life coach to get those bullet points down initially… what will my friends think, what will my parents think, what will strangers think – all swirling around my mind!

However, the feeling that I had done the right thing when I received feedback such as ‘I really admire your life, approach and strength” or “I’ve had similar things happen in my life” made it seem worthwhile.  Yet now, expanding on a mere bullet point is opening me up to being questioned (even if not directly) and that’s not comfortable.

But, I ask myself what these bullet points represent - they're not just random facts, but carefully chosen aspects of my identity that I've been brave enough to share publicly.  “I struggle to keep plants alive” – yes, may not seem the bravest, but it has more significance than I first thought.  As a perfectionist from a young age (at primary school ripping pages out of my exercise books to re-write them without any errors) I put so much pressure on myself it was unreal. I still remember the extreme anxiety on the lead up to my GCSE's and feeling the fight, flight or freeze mode when a teacher would ask me a question.  Over the years, I have slowly learned the destruction that a perfectionist mindset can have and how I am ok as I am, doing what I am doing without all the pomp and circumstance that I had previously felt was necessary in order to feel good enough.

Today, I am sat in front of my computer, feeling a bit ‘meh’ and I am now seeing it as a metaphor.  I have overcome many things, achieved many things and today, I am reminded of the importance of self-care.  Just as plants need different types of care - some thrive on daily attention while others do better when left alone - I've learned that self-care isn't one-size-fits-all. Sometimes it's a 5:30am workout, sometimes it's giving myself permission to feel 'meh' and write about struggling with houseplants.

I've found myself judging myself for choosing this 'simple' topic, but isn't that exactly what these articles are about? Sharing the full spectrum of who I am - from overcoming depression to failing at basic gardening - and recognising that all these pieces make me whole.